Who Stole My Stethoscope?

Frustrated-nurse

8:34 A.M.

Hey there. Sorry to interrupt your bedbath … but have you seen my stethoscope? It’s the one with the brass-colored bell and the — no? Okay. Just keep an eye out for it. Thanks.

8:50 A.M.

Yeah, I had it for my morning assessments. It’s a light shade of blue, with a brass-colored bell, like I said. Whatever. I’m sure it’ll turn up.

10:01 A.M.

Last I saw it, it was sitting on the C.O.W. outside of Bed 6. I didn’t want to bring it into an isolation room. Not trying to get cavitating MRSA in my ear holes, ha-ha!

10:03 A.M. 

What’s that? You can’t get MRSA in your ears? That’s not a “thing”? I did not know that. Food for thought!

10:44 A.M.

Yes, I realize there are disposable stethoscopes in the stock room. That’s not the point.

11:05 A.M.

Of course I checked the other C.O.W.’s. I am not a freaking imbecile.

11:12 A.M.

I wasn’t being rude to Cassandra. Sheesh. Just trying to find my stethoscope.

11:35 A.M.

Well, I’m going to lunch. If it turns up, shoot me a text. Or just put it in the charge nurse’s drawer. No questions asked.

Bed 6 is a full code, by the way.

12:01 P.M.

Didn’t get a lunch. Patient needed to use the bedpan, a family member had questions, and then … well, it doesn’t matter. Did my stethoscope turn up?

12:03 P.M.

BIG SURPRISE. No one knows anything. The Heist of the Century. Just kidding, just kidding.

1:17 P.M.

Hate to be a pest, but that stethoscope was a graduation present from my grandmother. It was pretty expensive. She passed away last March. Just throwing that out there.

1:28 P.M. 

It’s a really distinctive shade of blue. Reason I mention this is, when I graduated nursing school, I was pretty sure I wanted to work in pediatric oncology. Thought the light blue color would be soothing to the kids. Guess I should’ve opted for a louder color, like hot pink! Or flaming orange! Ha-ha! Would be easier to find, right? Right?

1:36 P.M.

Did I mention, it’s inscribed with my name? Right there on the inside of the bell. Silly me, I had assumed that HAVING MY NAME CARVED INTO IT would prevent this kind of “accident” from happening …

For the record, that inscription cost $40 extra. But, I guess money grows on trees, right? Tell that to my dead Grandma! Ha-ha! Or to Sallie Mae!

2:01 P.M.

For the hundredth time, I know there are disposable stethoscopes in the stock room. They’re basically toys. You can’t hear shit with them. (Pardon my French.)

2:50 P.M.

So, retracing my steps, before the stethoscope “mysteriously” disappeared, the last person in Bed 6 was Mike from Respiratory. Have you seen him?

2:52 P.M.

Yes, I tried the break room.

3:07 P.M.

I’m not accusing anyone. I’m simply relating what happened. Mike went into the room, and then … no stethoscope. These are facts.

3:35 P.M.

And now my patient is de-satting. I don’t even care about the damn stethoscope right now. Where the fuck is Respiratory?

3:50 P.M.

Ok, guys. I know I’m a new nurse and all, and you told me not to bring my own stethoscope to work, that these things tend to go missing, yadda yadda …but that stethoscope has, like, sentimental value to me. I’d really, really like to see it returned. Really.

Let’s get serious.

3:57 P.M.

I won’t bring it to work anymore. Okay? Promise. LESSON LEARNED, GUYS.

4:07 P.M.

I mean, it didn’t just GROW LEGS and walk away. I don’t think stethoscopes — even the really new, expensive ones — like the one I just lost — can do that. The technology just isn’t there. I’m pretty sure.

4:15 P.M.

I am so fucking hungry.

4:43 P.M.

(text to unit director)

Shld I file an incident report? Pls advise

5:02 P.M.

If I find out a surgeon walked off with it, I am going to FLIP SHIT.

5:53 P.M.

No, I do not need “stress counseling.” I need to FIND MY STETHOSCOPE. Blue tubing. Brass-colored bell. Return it. NOW.

6:51 P.M.

Fine. I give up. This is why we can’t have nice things on our unit. Have fun with your stolen merchandise, whoever! Enjoy listening to “muffled heart sounds” with it … whatever the hell that means. I have better things to worry about. I need to give report.

And Bed 6 just shat the bed. Fantastic.

7:10 P.M.

Um, no. I didn’t see that STAT nuclear medicine consult. News to me.

7:12 P.M.

Was busy looking for my stethoscope.

7:24 P.M.

Great. I’ve been written up. Perfect end to the day.

7:32 P.M.

(clocking out)

You guys are all dicks. I am so fired.

(Finds stethoscope three months later, in the charge nurse’s drawer)

END SCENE.


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